AMAZON, I don't want your damn earmuffs!

A few weeks ago I went onto Amazon to find "180" fleece ear warmers. I selected the desired style and color and then decided I didn't really need them. Amazon decided otherwise. Over the course of the next few days they kept insisting I did. In a "personalized" email, they gave a friendly reminder that I left the product in my shopping cart, a large image of said product, the updated price, and pretended to not salivate for my sale by providing a large yellow button that said, "View Cart" instead of "Click to Purchase." The MIND GAMES! We all know that Amazon's dying for every dime, aggressively pursues every customer who has given even the slightest glance to a product, and yet on paper, their thirst is subtle...even passive. Beside this call to action, the only other detail on the email is a reminder that returns are "Free & Easy."

Three days later I was approached again. This time the email was akin to an annoying salesperson from Sears, coyly asking if I was looking for something in their "mens earmuff department" after they've noticeably stood across the room and watched my every move. If I was still my wise-ass, 23 year-old self I might say, "No. I was looking at earmuffs in the earmuff department because I'm interested in purchasing organic Barilla pasta and Christmas ornaments. This seemed like the best place to start that search." Just like an overzealous retail salesperson, Amazon goes on to make recommendations of other styles, as if I had no clue what I liked, an inability to look at options already clearly on display, and their earmuff expertise was the only way I could truly fulfill my earmuff desires. Still, the email presentation of muff options is clean and, admittedly, there are 180's in colors and materials I had not seen before. The gray tweed 180's were actually quite handsome.... for earmuffs. Once again, Amazon has the NERVE to not openly ask for what they so strongly desire. I KNOW they want it but they smugly refuse to ask. They've even removed the big yellow button that links to my shopping cart and instead hyperlink every image that covers the page. I'm certain they don't hope I slip and accidentally click one.

A day later I get another email, this time resembling the format of the first. Instead of "kindly" reminding me that I "forgot" something in my cart, they reframe their feigned hospitality. This time they've "found something" I might "like." Clearly they've been tirelessly looking through their stock, trying to find the perfect fit for me so they meet their mission of being as customer-centric as possible. However, we all know there is no heart behind the earmuffs they propose. Their mission is to make it as easy as possible for me to spend my money, whether on earmuffs, barilla, ornaments, or any number of items on their extensive platform. They do it with a smile, yes (CLEARLY! It's in their LOGO! It's on the boxes they send! How could they not genuinely care about me and my perfect earmuff match?), but I'm not so sure they care about anything but my data or sale.

For their grand finale, two days later they had the nerve to confirm my order. My ears are warm once again. Damn you Amazon and your aggressively passive, brilliant email strategy! You got me again.